this week's nt doing great man...
gt maligned for nt having a serious attitude when doin work on tues.. lyk wtf?!?! i din do anything wrong.. i was merely following orders.. do u expect me to disobey orders? tt would mean i'm a moron.
ytd had to carry a dead drunk timothy bac home after he puked in jing hong's car... i'm realli sry jing hong.. y do i live near him? sian.. i could hav jus leave him on the streets to die.. but i din.. wad was i thinking man... guess compassion is for the mentally insane lyk me...
todae went to play bball.. played a while and it started to rain lyk nobody's business... wth...
on the lighter note.. i found a few nice songs by Owl City.. i would recommend Fireflies, Hot Air Balloon, The Saltwater Room and Vanilla Twilight.. they're nice!! found out tt Owl City is actualli a one man band.. and he made his music when he's havin insomnia.. tt would explain how all his songs are written in such a dreamy way.. very cool lyrics i would sae...
well, back to listening to Owl City..

as i wished upon a starr | 3:39 PM

regulars' attitude seemed to be very cold towards me todae... life seems to turn upside down without tok in registry todae... i'm actualli quite fed up todae cos i'm the only one ard to slog in registry todae.. with the exception of dominique..
i wanna quit, seriously.. but am i a quitter? i dunno... hav i already quit on myself? i dunno... wonder whether nukun mei's heart will break after seeing this mah... i wonder... don cry k=) i know u've been giving me the support all this while.. i wouldnt want to let ur efforts go to waste i guess... but let's jus sae life's just nt tt simple.. especially when u're in the army... u're always at war wif others... always hav to be careful of one another... this kinda life's tiring.. very tiring.. it's lyk getting backstabbed out of the blue and u don even know how u died... i wonder if i've been a victim already anot... well, i don realli care anyway.. as long as my loved ones don get hurt i realli don care how others treat me...
to be honest, life's gt no meaning now... jus looking forward to lunching wif nukun mei and jas in 2 weeks' tym.. hope tym quickly pass by...
i'm jus so tired...

as i wished upon a starr | 8:24 PM

whenever i feel very lonely, i think of all the frens i've made... and it's pretty hard nt to cry whenever i think of all the support i get from them... to be honest, i still cry sometyms jus before i go to slp, when it's the tym when i feel the most lonesome, where i'm all alone in my cold, dark room, listening to emo songs...
somehow, i'm getting used to being lonely i guess... i've nt much frens wif me during driving course, i seldom interact wif the ppl in camp... it's nt tt i'm hostile or wad, i just don feel lyk interacting wif others i guess... maybe rather than feeling lonely, i jus wanna be left alone.. well, for the tym being, i don think i'm ready to throw myself into another relationship, be it boy-girl or jus plain platonic relationship.. let's jus sae i'm afraid of putting myself into this thing again..
up till now, i still feel i'm as useless as it can be, i cant even save the one i love.. i know many of u said it's nt my fault, but i jus cant help but blame myself for being so powerless.. it is then tt i realise how tiny we human beings are... in front of god, i guess we're lyk measly lil' ants... there's nth singnificant that we can do to change our lives, much less to help others...
i used to think i can help others thru words.. i used to think i can motivate ppl lyk zhiwei thru encouragements.. cheap talk i guess.. i cant even help myself, den wad right do i hav to help others?
ever since it happened, i've nv experienced true happiness anymore.. i may laugh at a few lame jokes, i may laugh at a few stupid ppl, but to be truely happy, i no longer know wad tt is anymore.. perhaps i'll nv be happy again?
everytym i listen to some songs, flashbacks of days when we're tgt appear in my mind.. and i din even realise i was tearing.. i couldnt help it.. everyone has troubles... i guess mine is too great for me to handle...
will tml be a better dae?
i dunno..
realli...

as i wished upon a starr | 9:00 PM

youtube's a really good tool to show ur talents to the outside world...
was browsing on youtube's cover singers and realli liked a few cover artistes.. seriously, ahmir's cover on The Climb is way way better than miley cyrus's version...and then there's nick pitera.. he can sing in male and female voices and it actually sounded nice to me.. haha...
camp is boring now.. yet it's such a heavenly place now.. u get to go home early and don realli nid to do so many stuff... my life in camp is probably eat sleep drive eat sleep drive... i think it'll jus continue lyk this till my ORD.. probably lesser of the sleeping tym when i go back to unit.. sian..
don realli wanna go back unit leh.. heard there's a lot of politics over there... i don realli lyk it.. i don wanna be caught in wadeva crossfire is happening there... haiz... and tok wants to handover his job to me.. his job needs very heavy responsibility de leh... i'll probably get stressed till i die...
well, anyway i'll jus enjoy wadeva i can now bah=)
and i'm off...

as i wished upon a starr | 7:32 PM

a lonesome star up in the night sky, shrouded by nth but darkness.. how apt.. perhaps solitude would be a better option now...
it feels crap to me now that i'm in the army.. army is crap... there's no efficiency at all, so don talk about professionalism people... reminds me of the seven core values of SAF... total bullshit.. most of these aren't practised by the soldiers...

1. loyalty to country: erm... does this value even exist in the current context??? jus look at so many singaporeans... do u think they'll realli fight if there's a war? wad are the odds? most prob we'll hav to rely on other countries to protect us again.. many ppl will probably jus flee...

2. leadership: seriously, i rarely see true leadership practised here in the army.. except for the warrants back in tekong, i don feel obligated to risk my life for the so called 'leaders' on mainland... true leaders gains respect from his/her subordinates through pure sincerity.. not by force or demand whereby they use their ranks to pressure u.... NO! it realli doesnt matter wad rank u are.. if u are able to let ur people entrust their lives to u, let ur people respect u, den u're a leader... people who use their ranks are losers who are jus childish and immature.. if anyone argues wif them and resulting in them using their ranks, it means they hav lost the battle.. it's becos they cant find any reason to defend themselves that they need to resort to pressurizing people wif ranks... i feel sorry for people who work under these 'leaders'..

3. discipline: need i sae more???? jus see for urself...

4. professionalism: probably only happens in the higher-ups... i cant realli see that now that i'm jus a private... but in SAF, professionalism probably means creating more problems for other people to improve efficiency.. whether it realli improves i dunno, but from wad i can see, it's nt taking any effect, made it even worse in the end... for e.g. when signing out, one person has to enter the office, close the door, sign out, open the door, come out, and see lots of angry faces queuing outside the office... y nt jus put the friggin' sign out book out the office and let ppl sign?? isnt it much faster tt way??? where's the efficiency in it? and it's clearly nt professionalism but stupidity... even though they call it the professional way of managing things... oh please....

5. fighting spirit: everyone's lethargic, so where the hell do u get the fighting spirit?? jus look at all the sian-ness in everyone's faces when they book in... nobody likes goin to army.. again reinforcing my point on loyalty to country..

6. ethics: i cant realli argue wif this cos i can see this practised by many of the soldiers... it's realli gd to see that singapore soldiers hav moral values and socially deemed correct ethics... on top of that, many of us are realli sensitive ppl.. we know wad to do when we sense any mood changes occuring in any of us... perhaps that's the only gd thing i can see ard here...

7. care for soldiers: i dunno wad to sae bout this...

this is nt about my resent towards the army.. i'm jus saeing wad i'm seeing.. perhaps i'm jus finding an outlet to vent my frustrations.. there're so many restrictions, so many rules, so many nonsense to top it off...
i'll jus hav to be careful in wadeva i do...
on the lighter note, i hope nukun mei will do well for O lvls!!!=D gor wish u all the luck!!! hang out ard wif jas sometym bah=) wonder how's both of u doin? probably stressed like my sis bah.. she oso taking O lvls this yr... but she don study leh... oso dunno how she's goin to pursue her accounting dream like tt.. haiz...
and i'm off..

as i wished upon a starr | 8:09 PM

thx to all my frens and buddies who hav encourage me thru this difficult tym..
realli, thx you all!! if it werent for u guys i wouldnt hav been able to stand up... i also hav to thank my parents for being wif me and cheering me up...
but the person who cheer me up the most would be nukun mei!! thx for all the messages u send me and wrote in my tagboard!!=)
even though i'm still nt able to pick myself up completely but i'm still trying.. hopefully one dae i'll be back to the cheerful me..
ok update on this week..
i passed my driving test... class 3 and 4!! so can driving lorries and cars le.. the test was so difficult.. raining heavily, low visibility, strict tester and worst, heavy traffic wif lots of inconsiderate motorists... but i stil manage to scrape thru the test.. i would call it a fluke.. cos jus nice pass the standard.. lucky me..
was fed up wif my driving instructor.. he was having his pms period and i was grieving on my problems.. y cant he jus understand??? gt so fed up i decided nt to drive the dae b4 i sat for my test.. at least now tt i passed my test i wouldnt hav to see him ever again..
kah siang's b'dae is coming.. dunno wad to buy him sia.. it's nt lyk i attend b'dae parties often..
i hope to meet up wif old buddies sia.. meet up wif the npcc gang, wif jc frens, secondary sch frens.. missing u guys..
tt'll be all for this week..
hoping tml will be a better dae...
and i'm off...

as i wished upon a starr | 9:26 AM

jus received an sms from jane's dad.. apparently he said i wanted to break up wif jane after some interpretation from some police inspector regarding some smses from her phone.. i mean this is ridculous... i loved her so much.. he jus cant understand wad i'm goin thru now...
din her grades show tt she improved since last yr? and yet he's saeing my tutoring skills are not effective... i bet he din know tt he was the one pressurizing her... jane always compain to me bout no matter how gd her grades are her father will nv be satisfied...
he's falsely accusing me of so many things... i love her so much can.. she gets the pressure from her family.. i'll nv pressurize her on anything, esp on her studies when it can do more harm than gd..
i miss her so much.. i still cry for her.. but my family doesnt know.. i don wan them to worry...
i still love her...
i realli realli...
miss her...

as i wished upon a starr | 6:19 PM